Butterflies Sting My Insides.

I always leave,
And every time I do,
It ends the same.

The knot in my stomach,
Tugging at me,
Because nothing has changed,
And it’s all my fault.

The words can’t come out,
I try to vocalise,
The knot rises and begins to untie,
And butterflies sting my insides,
And carry them away.
Far, far, far away from you.

And then I walk away feeling empty,
Emptier every time,
With thoughts pulsing through my head,
Clouding my mind.

Why does it have to be so hard?
Why do I fuck it up each and every time?

And then I think maybe words are not enough.
Or that you get it.

Maybe I am just too shy?
Or you are just too dumb?
Maybe we are both too proud?
Or maybe just maybe... we are exactly the same.

Newport Living.

Everyone's a let down
It just depends on how far down they can go.
In every circle of friends there's a whore
The one who flirts
And does a little more
But who's to say?
This is a social scene anyway
And everybody wants to explore the new girl
Caught up in her own hard liquor world
But liquor doesn't exist in our world
But liquor doesn't exist in our world

And if you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie you don't deserve to have them
If you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie

You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack
You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack

The social scene where she gets her fix
Has been broken since '86
Now just look at that social clique
Do you really wanna be a part of it?
Let's not let us forget
Where she gets the habit
She gets the pills from her skills
She gets the skills from the pills
And just look at that clique
Do you really wanna be the star of it?

Everyone's a let down it just depends...
On how low they can go.

Numerology.

Hmmmm... anything got to do with numerology I have found quite interesting of late, certain numbers linked with my birthday have interested me and made some accurate predictions. It's the way forward :)

You entered: Keelin O'Dwyer
There are 12 letters in your name.
Those 12 letters total to 65
There are 5 vowels and 7 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Celtic Female Slender or comely.

Your number is: 11
The characteristics of #11 are: High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist, a dreamer.

The expression or destiny for #11:
Your Expression number is 11. The number 11 is the first of the master numbers. It is associated with idealistic concepts and rather spiritual issues. Accordingly, it is a number with potentials that are somewhat more difficult to live up to. You have the capacity to be inspirational, and the ability to lead merely by your own example. An inborn inner strength and awareness can make you an excellent teacher, social worker, philosopher, or advisor. No matter what area of work you pursue, you are very aware and sensitive to the highest sense of your environment. Your intuition is very strong; in fact, many psychic people and those involved in occult studies have the number 11 expression. You possess a good mind with keen analytical ability. Because of this you can probably succeed in most lines of work, however, you will do better and be happier outside of the business world. Oddly enough, even here you generally succeed, owing to your often original and unusual approach. Nonetheless, you are more content working with your ideals, rather than dollars and cents.

The positive aspect of the number 11 expression is an always idealistic attitude. Your thinking is long term, and you are able to grasp the far-reaching effects of actions and plans. You are disappointed by the shortsighted views of many of your contemporaries. You are deeply concerned and supportive of art, music, or of beauty in any form.

The negative attitudes associated with the number 11 expression include a continuous sense of nervous tension; you may be too sensitive and temperamental. You tend to dream a lot and may be more of a dreamer than a doer. Fantasy and reality sometimes become intermingled and you are sometimes very impractical. You tend to want to spread the illumination of your knowledge to others irrespective of their desire or need.

Your Soul Urge number is: 3
A Soul Urge number of 3 means:
With the Soul Urge number 3 your desire in life is personal expression, and generally enjoying life to its fullest. You want to participate in an active social life and enjoy a large circle of friends. You want to be in the limelight, expressing your artistic or intellectual talents. Word skills may be your thing; speaking, writing, acting, singing. In a positive sense, the 3 energy is friendly, outgoing and always very social.
You have a decidedly upbeat attitude that is rarely discouraged; a good mental and emotional balance.
The 3 Soul Urge gives intuitive insight, thus, very high creative and inspirational tendencies. The truly outstanding trait shown by the 3 Soul Urge is that of self-expression, regardless of the field of endeavor.
On the negative side, you may at times become too easygoing and too optimistic, tending to scatter forces and accomplish very little. Often, the excessive 3 energy produces non-stop talkers. Everyone has faults, but the 3 soul urge doesn't appreciate having these pointed out.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8
An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

I need a miracle.

It's 5.00 in the morning,
Another sleepless night of many,
A broken heart and a weary mind,
And I feel like these walls are going to crash down on me...
Because it's hard, going on knowing I'll never see you again.

And Lord do I know, I have bigger fish to fry...
But if given a magic lamp right now,
I'd wish for the chance to see you one last time.
Over anything else in this entire Universe.

God what I wouldn't give,
To have had the chance to say goodbye.

This Christmas if I had known, I would have treked through the snow.
All those miles,
Across this country,
All the way,
Just to reach you.

I can't even mention your name or look at your picture,
Without falling to pieces.
Whenever I dream about you,
I wake up blissful until I realize,
It was all a dream.

I feel like my friend has been stolen from me.
It's a tough fact to face.
And I've spent enough time denying it and hiding it.
Acting as if God and life has cheated me because of it.
And everywhere I go people say time is a healer.
But I feel just as much sorrow as the day you passed.

I secretly miss changing my clothes before I leave the house because you were afraid strange men would kidnap me.
And butter on my carrots.
And pretending to like Fair City and the Opera because it made you happy.
No more candles or letters or cards.
No more Andrea Bocelli on replay.

Those were times, I will never forget.
Not a single day has went by that I haven't thought about you and in the future no doubt it will be the same.

And I know you died in the perfect way and that you are at peace,
But what I wouldn't give,
Just to see you once again.

Because I feel so lost and lonely.
And don't know where to turn.

And I've spent these past few months a former shadow of myself.
Because I feel like nobody else understands.
But no more.
Because I know I'm not alone.

You are still here,
When the sun shines I feel you,
When I hear melodies and high octave notes, I can see you smile.
When I feel weak, I feel you pressing on my back,
Pushing me forward.

But now that you're gone,
I wonder who's gonna light me candles now?
Is there a stream of them in heaven?
I'm just afraid I guess,
But I'll move past this.
And come out the other end.

And never mind the candles,
It's about time I lit a few for you.
:)

Take The Power Back.

Your thoughts are magnetic,
And carry frequency.
They are sent out to the Universe,
Everything sent out returns to the source - which is you.

You are a human transmission tower,
Transmitting a frequency with your thoughts.
If you want to change anything in your life,
Change the frequency by changing your thoughts.

Whatever you are is a result of what you have thought.
Your current "you" is changable.
You can have anything you want,
Be anything you want,
Just lie back and feel it.

And smile and transmit out the highest frequency there is,
Which is love :)

Hope Never Dies

Isn’t it complicated?
When you constantly say one thing and do another?
When you distance yourself from what you truely want?
Or when it’s not even you blockading yourself and it is something out of your control?
I don’t know which is worse?

The fact that I can’t put myself out of my own misery or the universe just won’t let me...

But enough of that, I am not going to change, I’d rather sit in the corner and stay the same.
Than put myself on the frontline for others to blame...

Which is worse?
When you blame yourself or others blame you?

I don’t know which one to choose?
In the end it seems only I will lose.
Either way I look at it...

Isn’t it terrible?
When you are in a crowded room and yet feel lonely?
Is this selfish?
Is it them or is it you?
Why are my emotions playing me like a fool?
Emotions and people are the fuel...

If only they knew.
What you really were, over what they perceive.
Maybe then they would see...
All that you have had to live through.
All that you have to give.
All that you want to give.

Instead of a profile picture.
Of the girl with the "perfect smile".

Maybe next time you should look harder.
And that smile would not seem so perfect after all...

At least there is always hope.
For a better tomorrow.
To be strong, because it makes others stronger.
Move out of this rut.
Because...
I may be a lot of things.
But a victim of what society and myself makes me.
Is not one.
I hope the same is true for you.
Let's all live in hope.

Untitled.

I have a Guardian Angel,
He doesn't grant wishes,
Or sprinkle magic fairy dust.
Rather he tells me when I should,
When I shouldn't,
And when I must.
If only I would listen.
And take his advice.
Maybe I wouldn't have fallen down so much in life.

The Promise

Bittersweet, this year has been.
I’ve felt my heart grow weary and my mind old.

Everytime I think about it.
A tear falls from my eye.

Sometimes I wish I could take all of your pain away.
What I wouldn’t give. God, there is nothing I wouldn't sacrifice.

The little I can do,
Is promise that...

Everday of my life, I will be there for you,
No matter what.

Everyday I will be the best person I can be,
Just for you.

Everything I am,
Is because of what you have made me.

I will never stop being grateful for all that you have given me.
And I swear to never give up because of this.

Although sometimes I fall very hard.
I will never fail.

Because your love is like the oxygen,
That keeps me breathing.

You are my everything.
I love you, Mum.

Those days when doing nothing felt like nothing did before.

I found a box of letters lying on the ground.
Remember when you wrote to me, before it all went down.
I even got a papercut, trying to figure out, what to do with all these memories.

Because you're not who you used to be and I wonder where you've gone?

Remember all those hours, laughing on the floor?
Those days when doing nothing felt like nothing did before.
What I'd give for an old message or call.

Because we're not who we used to be. And I wonder where we've gone.

I found that box of letters.
They used to make me smile.
But now I feel so lonely.

Have you fallen in a black hole?
Something there's a universe of missing stuff?
What happened to the good times?
What happened to the moments when we felt so much?
Where's the love?

Have you fallen in a black hole?

Here goes nothing

So since creating this blog in April, I have only made two posts... this is due to many reasons,
I'm one of those people when I begin writing I go on forever, I'll write poems short stories and diary exacts daily. But I also go through major periods when I stop and won't write for months.
Those months when I don't write are usually the months when I am disillusioned with life completely. Which is ironic in itself... all the best artists and poets in the world write their best work in the midst of their inner turmoil and confusion.

I write mostly in journals purely because I find I write most outdoors or on the bus, this is the first blog I've ever wrote sitting down on the internet. I also re-write or undo things I write and do out drafts until I feel the piece is adequate and finished.

At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about this site, these days I feel like everybodys soul is layed out on the internet. Between facebook and formspring and even last.fm... you know where your friends are going, what song they last listened too, even what they ate for breakfast before you even get to ask. Which takes the excitement and mystery out of life. Nothing ever seems to happen "by chance" anymore.

Although, through reading others blogs I've gotten alot of enjoyment, I've seen a different side to a few people I know, the intriguing side they don't show when I am out with them :)
So here goes nothing, the first three blogs I'll be uploading after this are not new ones, I am going to have a rummage through my journal and see which ones I want to upload :)

Peace,
Keelin x

Grey Clouds.

I don't want to dream about, all the things that never were,
And maybe I can live without, when I'm out from under.
I don't want to feel the pain, what good would it do me now?
I'll get it all figured out, when I'm out from under.